Even if He doesn’t

On Thursday the 14th of March, I received an email with the subject line: “Congratulations on your conditional acceptance to Hillsong College!” Man! I was beyond excited! And you best believe I celebrated with some good food (that I generally would not splurge on). You could not tell your girl anythiiiiing.

Then the reality of it all sunk in: It was no longer a far-fetched idea. In just over 4 months my semester would begin. In Sydney, Australia. I had approximately 140 days to raise just under 40 000 AUD. That’s just over R400 000! I don’t work. I don’t have much experience. And simply put, the chances of finding work that would raise that much money, while allowing me to cover my current living expenses, would be pretty slim. My heart honestly sank. “How God?”, “Why God?” What would happen now?

I figured I needed to really get serious about raising this money. “These studies aren’t going to fund themselves,” I kept telling myself. And as much as I don’t want to do things in my own strength, I also don’t want to sit idle and hope the miracle will fall in my lap, unaware of tools I’ve been given.

A few months ago, while sharing around this season, my brother-in-law asked me if I believe God. And if I do, do I believe that God will outwork the promise accordingly. Saying ‘yes’ sounds simple. But living out my ‘yes’ has been really difficult. Would my answer still have been “yes” if I wasn’t accepted into College? Would my answer still be ‘yes’ if I didn’t end up finding work and didn’t raise the amount needed? Would my answer still be a ‘yes’ if God doesn’t see the promise through?

Be still.

I’ve heard these words very often. But outworking them in this season has been extremely difficult. Every time I panic. Everytime I feel defeated. Everytime I feel alone. “Be still” are the only words He offers me. Hearing God, amidst the chaos. Allowing Him to outwork it all, even when facts say it’s probably safer to stay in SA. To know His voice.

The enemy has definitely tried to use the idea of not having completed my degree to justify not being able to raise money on my own. The enemy has tried to use my insecurities about family to make me feel like I’m inconveniencing them. Fear. Fear of disappointment. Fear of failure. Fear of being alone. Honestly, every trick in the book, he has used. And he’s made a pretty convincing argument each time. But, the weapons of my warfare are not carnal.

Some days I’m filled with so much faith. And I am so sure I’ll be in Sydney with everything in place. But in all honesty, some days I can’t see a way that this could ever work out. Some days I want to give up. Some days I feel like I’m in this on my own. Some days I imagine myself having to email College letting them know I will no longer be studying this year because “It’s not working out”. Some days I’m actually paralyzed with fear.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego didn’t exactly know if God would deliver them from the furnace. They didn’t know when, how or if God wanted to deliver them. But they knew their God. And that was enough for them to refuse to worship any other god. I am defintely believing for something only God can do. And I don’t know how or when He will do it. But I know my God. And on days, my emotions get the better of me I declare the Truth of God. Even when my thoughts and circumstances don’t line up. I will continue to declare the promise even with tears streaming down my face. Even when I have very little fight left in me. Because I know my God. Or atleast, still learning to.

“When I only see in part, I will prophesy Your promise. I believe You God. ‘Cause You finish what You start, I will trust You in the process. I believe You God” – Katie Torwalt

But even if He doesn’t.
I will serve no other God.

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