In February 1997, my mother had to take her car in for a service. She dropped it off in the morning, as always, and one of their drivers would have to take her to work. On their way, a speeding taxi skipped a red traffic light and hit the car on the passenger’s side, where my mother was seated. The car rolled a few times and eventually stopped at the bank of a river.

My mother was almost 8 months pregnant with me at the time.

A few days ago, Emmanuel sent me a link to a sermon that he said I needed to watch. So after work, while waiting to go home, I started watching the sermon and continued once I got home.

The sermon was incredibly loaded but the one thing that stood out to me was the story of the woman who, in 2 King’s 4, prepared a room in her home for the prophet Elisha to use whenever he came by. And as a thank you to her, the prophet asked what she wanted in return and she responded by saying nothing. She knew, in her heart, that she had longed for a baby but had learned how to hide it. It was something she had stopped asking for because of the disappointment that had come with believing for it. And as pastor Steven puts it she kept ‘pushing away the promise that God had given her.’ The second time the prophet calls her back he tells her that in the next year she would have a son. And she did.

One day, the son dies. Unexpectedly. And she makes a decision to lay the baby exactly where the prophet told her she would have a son.

“Now the word of the Lord came to me, saying,  “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [and approved of you as My chosen instrument], And before you were born I consecrated you [to Myself as My own]; I have appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” – Jeremiah 1:4‭-‬5 (AMP)

He was God before I was born. He was faithful before I was born. And He knew me and approved me as His chosen instrument before I was born. And it’s been an anchor to keep reminding myself that through the medication and consultations and everything in between, that this hasn’t changed anything for Him. He’s not taken by surprise. And even though I secretly still long to worship like I used to in Stellenbosch, I’m no less worthy of the call over my life. And that I can keep coming back to Him.

Pastor Steven said something about that lady that has been challenging me everyday. He said, she said “I’m gonna put this [her son who had died] back on the place where you [Elisha] were laying when you told me God would give it to me. And Elisha restored the boy to life” 

I’ve been afraid to go back to Church. Because I’m not the girl I used to be. And I’ve avoided availing myself in any capacity because I feel like people will see “through me”. But it also felt like it would be traumatic to go back to the place where God had told me about Hillsong College. Especially because I didn’t ask for it. Which I know alot of it has to do with the depression and anxiety, but it doesn’t make it any less real.

And so for the first time since lockdown I told Emmanuel I wanted to go to Church. I had so much anxiety about it. But I still went. Back to the place where He first spoke the promises He had over me. Before everything else that I used to push His promises away unfolded.

The driver died that morning. My mom came out with several cuts and bruises. She lost her ear. Had cuts on her head. And had broken her ribs. When she made it to the hospital, she had to be induced because they had feared I could have been or would be injured.

I was born with not even a scratch on my head.

And so during worship in our Jozi 11:30 service, with tears in my eyes, I heard the Holy Spirit remind me again, that I am still chosen. My worship is still enough. He always honours His word. And I still am and will always be His instrument.

And as long as I’m still fighting, He will see His promises through.