I will sing Hosanna
To the One saves me
Hosanna
To the One who hears me
Hosanna
I will worship
Here
In the middle

I remember when I started coming to terms with the idea of being mentally unhealthy, I really struggled to worship. Specifically when it came to being part of a team leading worship on platform. I would often be fine every time I wanted to pray. Every time I wanted to sit in the presence of God or listen to worship music in my room. But my goodness, whenever I got rostered for choir (which was every Sunday morning. Bless practicums), I would wake up and sometimes just cry. For months it was a battle to just sit, lay, bow – or whatever I could muster – at the feet of Jesus. Not necessarily because I was angry at God or didn’t want to be involved in the things of God. In fact that was never a thought. I just felt like the biggest hypocrite.

I couldn’t reconcile the idea of worshiping God one day and making plans to take my life the next. I couldn’t understand how I could stand in front of God and tell him that I no longer wanted to live. Let alone sing songs of victory over a congregation that was so desperate for the Truth. I felt like I was living a lie and serving on a Sunday would shine light on this lie I was living in the shadows. This girl who kinda called upon God but was also battling unbelief. Most days I felt ashamed to even say that I love Jesus and believe Him. I felt like it would be okay to worship through cancer, through financial issues, through grief. I mean I had. But I just felt like a sinner who knew better but kept sinning in the unseen and then stepping on worship like I hadn’t. It sounds kind of crazy admitting it now! Haha!

“For though we walk in flesh, we do not war in flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty IN GOD for the pulling down of strongholds” – 2 Corinthians 10:3-4

I remember throughout my worship journey, my leaders would say I am graced and anointed for this and I would often shy away or make small of it. I think we sometimes make small of some of the things God calls us to because “we don’t want to seem prideful”, but I believe we can still be confident in some of the dreams and visions He places on our hearts without letting it get to our heads. Man! When we shy away, we leave room for the enemy to whisper lies about whether we are where we’re meant to be. And if we don’t walk confidently into what God calls us to, we’ll always doubt ourselves when the enemy offers his own version of the truth. Even while we’re living in the fulfillment of the vision. There’s no denying that I have seen chains break. I’ve seen people meet with Jesus. I’ve seen the Spirit move in ways we could never explain. And even through that, God has continued to grow and stretch me in my capacity as a worship leader. I mean, I even moved to another continent to learn more about worship… I’m pretty sure there’s something God wants to do in and through me. And I believe it has the capacity to see nations saved.

When I got back, I told my leaders that I was going to take a break from serving in Creative. But the truth was that I had no real intention of going back. One day while worshiping in my room, I sensed God just saying “This is your warfare. Worship is your weapon for warfare.” And so without thinking twice, I availed myself to serve that month and at Summerfest. My feelings towards serving defintely hadn’t changed, but my revelation and conviction had. During rehearsals, the worship leader asked if I could lead “Who You Say I Am”. Firstly, I wasn’t even meant to be leading a song. Secondly, to be asked to lead that song specifically was very sneaky of God. And thirdly, I’m pretty sure if I had known much earlier I definitely would have talked myself out of it and offered an excuse as to why I couldn’t. But I said “sure” and cried a little in the bathroom. Man! During the song, I was absolutely struggling. I barely believed the words I was singing but I kept reminding myself that the weapons of my warfare were mighty IN GOD. So there I was shaking, with my eyes closed, trying to surrender to God. Somewhere in the middle of the song, I opened my eyes and locked eyes with a girl who was in absolute tears. And God immediately said “You are waging war on behalf of so many other people. Not just yourself. You cannot give up. Take courage”

The Bible says the words from His mouth will not return void, but shall accomplish what He pleases and it shall prosper in the thing for which He sent it (Isaiah 55:11). And if we sometimes strip some of the extravagance of worship that we get caught up in, all we are doing in worship is giving praise to God, (and maybe even asking of God) but also coming into agreement with what He, Himself has said. We are coming into agreement with His word and who He reveals Himself to be. Even in the fear, the sadness, the confusion, the unbelief and the rejoicing. In my 9 to 5 job, in my studies, in my serving at Church, whatever He’s entrusted me with, my posture is to always bring glory to God. To offer everything as worship to Him. And while I continue to be in agreement and call upon Jesus, I allow Him to move in the here and now. He shows up as my friend, comforter, provider, father, confidant, safe space. He shows up as God in all of His glory and might. And while He works in the here and now, His word goes ahead of me and wins the victory. Because it does not return ineffectually. It does not return emptily. It does not return undeservingly. It does not return void.

I don’t know if worship is ever easy. You are constantly waging war against the enemy because you’re choosing to give honour and praise to God. That’s the very last thing the enemy wants. So yes, worship is beautiful. There’s nothing like being in the presence of God. But it is also a weapon for warefare because it makes room for the Victor to come in and truly pull strongholds down.

I know, right now, that sometimes the idea of picking up my weapon is just as daunting as waging the war itself. And I’m aware that the enemy will continue to use what I’m going through as a way to justify disqualifying myself. But I believe I will experience the fullness of healing. I don’t know how or when. But until then, I will continue to worship. I will continue to wage war. For myself. For those around me. For my family. For my children. For generations to come.

For the glory of God and for the advancement of His Kingdom.

In a video on YouTube, Melissa Helser shares a little about her battle with a chronic illness that she’s still believing for healing in. Years later. And just before she starts singing “Catch The Wind”; she prays a pretty simple but mighty prayer.

“So God we’re here. We’re here Father. We don’t feel strong, but we want to. And we come into agreement fully with your heart, and your song and your voice…”

And she ends it off with the following,

“…Give us discernment to know when the enemy is speaking. And give us discernment to know when You are wooing us into in a moment. Even if it’s hard. Fill us with courage, God”

Fill us with courage, God.

“Like standing on the edge of a mountainside. I can feel the wind stirring, lifting me up high. I was born into freedom. I was made to fly” – Catch The Wind, Bethel

I am officially a month into my studies at Hillsong College and I am constantly in awe of the goodness of God. It has honestly been an indescribable few weeks. Granted, the adjustment has been difficult, but there’s no denying that this is holy ground! It is so surreal being in an environment that honestly and truly wants to see you thrive for the sake of His Kingdom. I remember crying on my knees in Chapel thinking how crazy it was that this formed part of my timetable. That 3 times a week, space was allowed for me to do this. That my tutorial lessons included praying for people to receive the gift of tongues. That my lectures made me so excited to go home and sit with my Bible.

When I came into College, I had the idea that I was coming here to get eqquiped to continue building Church back in South Africa. In my head, I was just in varsity again. It was all great, but I wasn’t going to allow myself to make a home of it, because it was just temporary. I had made a decision, unconsciously, that I wasn’t going to be fully present because South Africa is still the final destination.

During a rather normal conversation I kept refering to Hillsong Stellenbosch as my “actual” Campus. And God immediately said “That’s not true, Hillsong Hills is.” Which was rather confusing because it’s not like I was unaware of the fact that I was now serving at our Hills campus. But I was reminded of being challenged to go “all in” during Orientation; that if I saw serving and getting involved as just a Practicum, I would get “Practicum results” and not the fullness of what God intends for this season. Side note: your practicum is where you’re assigned to serve during the week and weekend, of which your involvement in one of the services/shifts is assessed.

I hate to admit it, but I have such a fear of having to start again. A fear of not knowing what has the potential for permanency, and what could potentially be temporary. It has been difficult to be “all in” because I already know that I have a desire to go back to South Africa when I finish at College. But I hadn’t realised how much I was limiting God. Man! There has been such a freedom and so much blessing in staying whether or not it’s forever. In remiding myself that I don’t know what will happen next, and even if this is temporary, today I choose to fully immerse myself in what is before me.

I’ve always known that there is so much blessing in finding yourself immersed in God and fully engaging in the season you’re in, but only now am I finally understanding it. The idea of just abiding in Him. The idea that sometimes abiding looks very practical, because not everything needs a ceremonious ‘I’ll pray about it’. Because even choosing to be physically present has the capacity to bear much fruit. – I have seen more miracles, victories and progressions in the past month than I have in the past year leading up to College. Not many of them were big, but they were all necessary. All of them a very clear fruit of abiding in The True Vine.

“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me.” John 15:1‭-‬4 NKJV

You can only produce fruit if you are connected to the Vine. He prunes only the branches that already bear fruit. But, you can only bear more fruit if you allow the pruning to take place.

Sometimes pruning looks like letting go of your fear of wanting to know it all. Sometimes it looks like trusting the people around you. Sometimes it looks like building character.

But, sometimes it simply looks like opening up, so that you can catch the wind.

On our very first day, our College Principal said the following “If He could do what He needed to while you were back home, He wouldn’t have brought you here”

So,
“I let out the sails of my heart.
Here I am.
Here You are.”

“So He said, ‘Come.’ And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.” – Matthew 14:29

A week before I left for Sydney, a potential sponsor turned out to be a scam. A day before I left, a potential sponsor communicated that they were unable to help. So on the day I was leaving, I did not have the finances to get some of the essentials I needed before my depature and had just enough to sustain me for about 2 weeks. Maybe 3.

I remember thinking “Okay what now, God? Do I actually pack my whole life up and get on that plane tomorrow? Or do I wait until everything is in order?” I was honestly still very hopeful, but it was the uncertainty of what was to come that made me very uneasy. I caught myself constantly wondering if I had heard God correctly. What if this was not what He had said, and I had been caught up in the excitement of everything coming together? What had I actually gotten myself into?

So on Saturday evening, I hopped on a plane to Sydney and even got upgraded to Business Class on one of my flights! – I will admit, I was a little tempted to say to God, “Thank you so much for the upgrade, but You can actually take me back to economy and put the upgrade difference in my account.” But I was reminded that God is in the business of the miraculous. The unexpected. And He can do anything and probably will.

I was reminded that He’ll still split seas for me.

This week, I got an email saying I was already behind on rent. But, I knew I only had enough money to cover my groceries and a few other necessities. So alongside all the prayer and petition, I went to speak to my core trainer to find out what my options were. After discussing some of the implications that could come with falling behind on payments, I absolutely wrestled to stay encouraged. – I may not be allowed to attend classes. At the College that wasn’t my idea to go to? I could lose my VISA. The same one that took all kinds of miracles to get? Did I travel all this way, only for me to go back home less than a month later?

Why would He tell me not to work these last 6 months if this is what it would ending up looking like? Why wasn’t that bursary real? Why would He bring me all the way here so that I could struggle in isolation? Why am I even here? – It’s one thing to have faith in the convenience of South Africa, with family and friends. It’s another thing when you’re all alone in an entirely new country. New College. New environment.

In the “Moments: Mighty Sound” version of “In Over my Head”, Jenn Johnson sings the following:

Further and further

My heart moves away from the shore

From convenience

Whatever it looks like

Whatever may come I am yours

Honestly speaking, it’s been relatively easy to step out in faith over the past few months. Because I was still in the boat. I was still home. And I still had the option for it not to work out.

“But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, ‘Lord, save me!’ And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, ‘O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'” – Matthew 14:30‭-‬31

Peter was always going to be able to walk on water, not because he could, but because Jesus would make it possible. Whether he would, was up to him.

He asked Jesus to command him to come and meet Him out in the water to prove that it really was Jesus walking on the water. Jesus replies by saying ‘Come’. Both Peter and Jesus use the word ‘come’, but the meaning of the word “come” that Jesus uses is significantly different. In Greek, one of the words used to describe the root of that word, is “grow”.

Peter simply asked God to call Him out into the sea. Jesus called Him out; to grow.

Stepping out of the boat isn’t glamorous. It’s inconvenient. It isn’t enjoyable. It’s stretching. It’ll probably not look the way you hope it will.

But even so, come.

December 2015; almost 3 weeks after the passing of my dad. I remember sitting, with my older sister on her living room floor. It was the very first time I had allowed myself to cry since the day he died. The kind of cry that comes straight from the core of your belly. The kind of cry that is always accompanied by a physically aching heart. And somewhere between these cries, I remember her saying we were going to pray. That I was going to pray.

When I started my first year at Stellenbosch University, I can’t say l had really understood the importance of salvation. I was fresh out of a Bible-based Christian school, and could quote all the right verses so that you would probably believe that Jesus is my very best friend. Not because I was trying to manipulate anyone, but because I just hadn’t had a real revelation of my own. It’s what I thought “walking with Jesus” was meant to look like. So when my dad passed away, I was not very keen on staying in Church. I wasn’t really involved much in Church, I didn’t have many friends, and I definitely didn’t read my Bible – I don’t think I even owned one at that point. I had no real reason to stay. In fact, I only stayed because the then Youth Worship pastor had shown some interest in my life. She messaged me. She called. She checked up on me. She didn’t know me at all, but she went above and beyond to just walk it out with me. So I stayed. For her. And God stayed. For me.

I recently read a blog where a psychiatrist, Abigail Brenner, describes the dance of relationship in the following manner: “Dancing is comprised of a series of movements that are combined and often repeated where two people move in sync with each other’s steps. The result is a coordinated effort that often looks easy and effortless, but where you know that that look mostly comes about when people are familiar with each other, are in agreement to be in sync with each other, and have practiced the dance long enough together to where it becomes second nature.” She continues to say that “sometimes these steps are verbalized, openly stated so that the people involved understand what is expected of them in the relationship. Sometimes these steps are never discussed, so it’s the actions between people that define what is going on in the relationship.”

For as long as I can remember, God has used the imagery of dance as a way to teach me about us. About the outworking of my salvation. He has taught my feet to dance upon disappointment. He has reminded me of a song, the one He wrote for me, and we have danced. But most importantly, He has taught me to trust Him to take the lead. So much so, that even when the song changes, the transition will be flawless. Because I take my lead from Him.

That day, I prayed. I didn’t talk much about how great He was. I don’t think I even said the whole “In Jesus Name” part. I was very angry. I was very hurt. I was grieving. But I remember whispering to myself “I don’t know if I can lose anything else. You may just be all I have.” And that’s when I started to see God really move in my life. It was in the middle of what the enemy meant for my harm, that God exposed me to some of His good plans for me and His Kingdom. I hadn’t realised it at the time, but it was also then, that I stepped foward and took hold of the Hand that had been saving the last dance for me.

One of my dad’s favourite songs to play on our road trips, was the Ronan Keating version of ‘I Hope You Dance.’ And everytime it came on, without fail, he would turn up the volume and sing it like it was the very first time. A few days ago, while listening to the song, I was that little girl again. Watching her daddy come alive and singing to her with the utmost passion. I had never really taken the time to read the lyrics of the song. But even in the fun of singing every word, God was already preparing me for this dance.

God had been there. The day my dad died. The day I prayed. The day I decided to stay in Church. The day my dad’s first Bible was given to me. The day it became my first Bible. The day I moved to Stellenbosch. The day He told me about Hillsong College. The day I left Stellenbosch. But my most favourite part about Him being there, is that He always waited patiently for me to take hold of His hand. He allowed me to make the choice.

In 5 days, I leave for Sydney, Australia. And in 7, my journey at Hillsong College begins. I don’t know what the next few steps look like, but I trust Him. Because He has never led me where He doesn’t go.

“And when you get the choice,

to sit it out or dance… ”

I hope you dance.

With Jesus.

Since March this year, I have been approaching people for any kind of help with College fees. Applying for bursaries. Funding. Whatever I could think of, I probably did. None of them returned successful. On Monday the 8th of July, I got communication from one of the people I had approached a while back; they were offering to pay for my entire first year. I would form part of their bursary/funding programme and they would be willing to cover all my costs – which was already over the maximum amount that each applicant could receive. Every oustanding amount. Accomodation. Travel cost. Everything. On the very same day I was trying to figure out how I would be able to cover the costs I’d incurr over the next month, he committed to paying for the next 12. You can only imagine the kind of somersaults my heart was attempting!

“Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ” – Philippians 1:6 KJV. In other versions it speaks of the good work being brought to ‘completion’ or being ‘perfected’.

Throughout the week following the conversation that Monday, I couldn’t get the above verse out of my head. I thought that’s exactly what this funding was; the completion of a work He began. That what He had said at the beginning of the year about my first year being covered, was being brought to completion. That, like always, He had kept His word.

I have always read that verse just zooming in on the fact that He would complete the good work He began. But as I continued to unpack the verse during the week, I couldn’t stop reading the very last part; ‘until the day of Jesus Christ’. And after quite the back and forth, I finally started to understand the importance of that.

The problem with not acknowledging that this good work will be performed until the day of Jesus Christ, is it can completely mislead us into believing that the fulfillment of a promise is the completion of ‘the good work’. It almost gives us the impression that we get to be done with this and move on to the next thing. We no longer need to walk through any more of the valleys because we’re finally on that mountain top. As if moving forward onto the next mountain top doesn’t sometimes require going back into a valley. And in the same breath, leaving the last part out assumes a timeline in which the good work will be brought to completion. It assumes that at some point, in my own life, it will be brought to completion. – It is so important to know that it will only be brought to completion in the coming of Jesus. Because then you realize that even though it began in me, it may not be brought to completion in me (or through me). It means that I will continue to press forward, in the hardships, and in the fulfillment of promises because I actually do not know when the day of Jesus Chirst is. And I, therefore, do not know when we are done.

A few days after the conversation with the potential sponsor. I got a facebook message from someone explaining that the processing fee I had paid had been paid into his account, and he even took it further by saying it was all part of a scam. After a few days of conversation, his story actually began to check out. But so did the potential sponsor.

I became very anxious. I was back at square one. I’m believing to leave on the 24th of July. I still haven’t enough money for a flight, let alone all the set-up expenses and finances needed to carry me for atleast a month in Sydney. But I still had so much hope in this God who would never begin a work without the intention to bring it to completion.

Almost a week later, and I still have no idea whether there has been a huge misunderstanding or whether this potential sponsor really tried me. In fact, I don’t know what tomorrow will look like. But I know that while I go through these seemingly paralysing disappointments, it doesn’t change my disposition. It does not change what God is continuously perfecting in me. And that it will continue to be performed until the day of Christ Jesus.

In the context of the verse above, the word ‘confident’, in Hebrew, means something said authoritatively. And the word ‘authoritatively’ in the English dictionary, is defined as something said or done in a way that is trusted as being accurate or true.

This journey is difficult. And even though it has many promises waiting to be fulfilled, it also has really difficult days. But, my confidence isn’t found in how I feel. It’s not founded in what promises are fulfilled when. Confidence is in what I speak. More importantly, from speaking the word of God. Because it is the only most accurate and true thing. And as I speak, my faith will be stirred. Because faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. I will continue to press on.

While He fulfils promises.
While He brings to completion a good work.
While I go through valleys.
Until the day of Jesus Christ.

I am confident.
Because His word does not return void.

At the end of Luke 8 we see the story of Jarius and his sick daughter unfold. Jarius finds himself pleading with Jesus to come to his house because his daughter is dying. A few moments later, the woman with the issue of blood reaches out to touch the hem of Jesus’s garment and is healed. While Jesus and the woman exchange words, Jarius receives word that his daughter has died. And so during the word on Sunday morning, a question was posed, asking how we would handle watching someone receive the miracle we were hoping for.

I know that sometimes, it’s encouraging to hear about other people’s breakthroughs. But sometimes, it can be so so discouraging. And in all honesty, this idea of watching others receive their miracles while hoping for yours, has been one of the hardest to grapple with in this season.

In Habakkuk two, we see the prophet waiting with sincere and intense convition for an answer to his complaints from chapter one. At this point, he receives a revelation which is to be fulfilled, not immediately, but eventually, and in the meantime he should wait in faith.

This week one of our friends was looking to surprise her husband, for his birthday, with a gift he had been wanting for a while. So she created a group chat and asked us to donate towards the gift as it was pretty expensive. And in just two days they were able to raise enough funds to get him an even better version of the gift she had planned to get. Now, I was sincerely excited that she got what she had hoped! But my heart was still struggling to watch this story unfold all while I was trying to figure out where to find the money to get to Team Night that evening. Where was this Jehovah Jireh?

Howcome I’m trying to be so obidient in this season, but right now I have to choose between going to Church on Sunday or actually having toiletries for the month? Don’t get me wrong, I have seen God move mightily in this season too. And I am incredibly grateful! But it can sometimes be very discouraging to live out the everyday. And more often than not, when the everyday seems to drag on, you can’t help but notice how eveyone else seems to be flourishing.

“But at the end it will speak and it will not lie”

In this context, the word “speak”, in Hebrew, comes from the root ‘to blow (with breathe or air)’ and one of its meanings is ‘to kindle (a fire)’. So as I was reading this verse, I couldn’t help but imagine God literally breathing over His vision for me. Not only breathing on it, but kindling a fire. That one day the vision would be fulfilled, and like a fire, it would warm those around it. That what God would do in me, would be used to impact those around me. And It all sounded pretty beautiful until God asked “Are you preparing everything needed for this fire to be kindled? Are you preparing for Me to speak?”

What I’m learning more and more about myself in this season, is that I tend to look at other people’s journeys as if they are the same as mine. And if I continue to do that, I will always get disappointed and distracted. I will always lose sight of my own vision. But even more than that, I may miss the opportunity to set up the perfect fireplace for God to breathe life into.

“Though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.”

In Hebrew, the first tarry means ‘to delay or linger’ while the second one means ‘to loiter, stay there or be behind.’ The waiting may draw out longer than we would like, but His intention is never to leave you there. He is so intentional about your story. He is intentional about the vision He gives you. And He is intentional about the waiting. But we may just lose sight of that if we’re too focused on the next person. There is a reason He says we should “run, with perseverance, the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus” – It doesn’t leave room for me to compare my story with the person on my left or right.

Be patient enough to see your vision through and be faithful enough to prepare a place for God to breathe. Even when it gets hard. Even when it hurts. Because like Jarius, you may just give up and not know that she is only asleep.

Wait earnestly, dearest.
For at the end, it will speak.