I’ve been fighting the urge to say something because I’ve felt like it’s not my place. Like who am I to even offer my opinion? But I somewhat feel responsible, as someone who advocates for safe spaces so publicly, to say something. So I suppose Sis Unathi’s conversation on Instagram yesterday was the boost of confidence I needed. Not to make noise or just stir the pot. But to offer a space for people to know they’re not alone. A space to engage. Whether someone feels the same way or not. But before I go any further, I think it’s important to attach the following disclaimers;

1. I know that this is not about me and I am in no way making it about me. However, it doesn’t nullify the fact that it affects me and many of us too.
2. Please feel free to engage. HOWEVER, if you want to argue, tell people how wrong they are or how pro-someone you are, my DM’s are not the space for that.
3. I completely understand that everyone is taking this at their own pace, if at all. So don’t feel pressured to have said something. Let the Holy Spirit guide you, still.
4. All I know is what the Hillsong Board has stated in their statements. I therefore, won’t comment on the posture of anyone’s heart, the intentions or the remorse that anyone feels. I too don’t know the details of what happened in any of those situations, but what I do know, is that the women felt uncomfortable enough to say something about it.

Alas, these past few weeks have been overwhelming to say the least. As a leader that has the responsibility to hold space for conversation, vulnerability and realness. As the woman who is the Church and is looking to her own leaders to hold space for her. As the congregant who still believes in her location and Interim Global Senior Pastors. As the volunteer who still believes in the vision, and mission of Hillsong and is unwavering about being planted in the place where God has called her to be. But also as the girl who just recently opened up about being sexually abused, assaulted and raped over 17 of her 25 years. And I think there are so many of us who are sitting in a few or maybe all of these limbos trying to figure out where to place themselves in this weirdly uncomfortable, yet hope-filled season.

I’ve been disappointed with the way things have been handled in some situations. Many words have been offered, but not much has actually been said. Yes, changes have been made and I’m completely excited about what will come of some of the reviewing and implementing. But I think my heart has been breaking for the women involved because I know what it’s like to watch someone who has inflicted trauma, still be publicly shielded by the love and affection of those around them. I wonder if they’ve felt shielded by love and affection, too.

I’ve been part of Hillsong for 7 years now. The journey has come with some really life-changing moments and some very disappointing ones too. There’s no denying that this house has played an integral part in shaping the person I am today. So in my obidience to staying, I’ve been grappling with the word ‘unity’ over these past few weeks. What does unity look like in such a season? Where people are leaving. People are deeply hurt. Disappointed. In disbelief. But also hopeful for what’s to come. I think we hear the word ‘unity’ more often in the potentially divissive and hareer seasons than we do in the victorious ones. And I often feel guilt-tripped into agreement by that word. Almost feeling an obligation to protect leaders or Hillsong over anything. So I avoid it by all means whenever I address things, especially in teams.

Anyone who knows me, would know that I always say “We can be unified and actually not agree with eachother’s opinions or actions” And I will always stand by that. I don’t think unity is a call to blind submission. I honestly believe it’s a call to acknowledge differences, call out the wrong, hash it out, disagree, agree and then hash it out some more. To just be humans, in need of a real God, advancing the Kingdom of God. Goodness me, I’d hate to ever be in a space where silence means agreement ‘for the sake of unity.’ I can’t imagine how that can ever bear any healthy fruit.

What happened was not okay. There is no context where it would be considered okay. Whether he is an incredible leader or person. And yes, yes, we can go on all night about “you without sin, cast the first stone” but it doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge that it was not okay. And that people were hurt and disappointed in the process. So much so, that people chose to leave our church.

In the same breath, Jesus died on the cross for all our transgressions. Each and every one of us. And fortunately, or unfortunately, He would do it again. Even with what He knows now. That has probably been the hardest pill to swallow. But, it has also been helpful in making sense of unity in this season. That everyone matters all the same to God. Because we matter, He comes close to the broken-hearted and those crushed in spirit. Because we matter, He forgives, but still rebukes us. And maybe that’s what unity looks like in this season; acknowledging that both the rebuking and forgiveness, and the heartache and disappointment, and even anger, can coexist. And both can be approached with the same level of kindness, love, importance and vigour. You don’t have to be for one person or the other. You can absolutely disagree with someone, have them know that and still hold space for them. You can absolutely not understand someone’s heartache but still deeply sympathise and be sensitive to what they are feeling. Jesus still took time to weep, in sympathy with Lazurus’ family over his death. While on an entire mission to save the world.

For those of us who are still choosing to stay and build; it’s important to remember not to make those who aren’t, feel guilty about their decision to leave. We do not know what the unseen with God has looked like for them. And in the same breath, it is important for us to find the balance between acknowledging the issues, actioning a way forward, and holding space for people to be human, with real emotions and real lives. Choosing to tiptoe, or be silent, in times of revival can be incredibly and unnecessarily damaging.

Like Pastor Phil has said, we’re not always going to get this right. Heck, I’m reminding myself to be kind everytime someone’s opinion triggers me. And I know that we don’t want to speak out of turn, but I think being authentic while we problem-solve is important. Being uncomplicated in the way we love. Leaning on the Holy Spirit. Engaging earnestly with one another. And being present for what God wants to do is still important. Even when we don’t have the answers. Even while we await the practical ones.

If you call Hillsong home, take a moment to realign yourself and figure out what this all means for you and the house you’re choosing to be planted in. Be real with yourself, God and maybe even your leaders. Our eyes are meant to be fixed on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, yes, but we still care for our leaders. Deeply so. So it’s okay to grieve and lament. But I want to encourage you not to stay there. Seek God for the next. Hope is never lost.

And if you’re a leader, I’d encourage you to check-in on people/the people you have been entrusted with. Steward what you’ve been entrusted with well. People are waiting to hear from you. It doesn’t have to always be packaged in formality and the right words. Even a ‘how are you in the wake of everything?’ can be more settling for the heart than you could even imagine. Let those who want to say something, say something. Wrestle. Still make sure that conversations leave room for God. It’s not a gossip session. Build each other up. Call each other out. Keeping up with appearances can’t be worth missing out on what God wants to do in and through His Church. It’s all pretty messy and very layered already, so it’s out-working will probably look the same. Don’t be afraid of the mess.

Man. It probably doesn’t look the way we expected or even wanted it to, but these are the days that we prayed for.

And thank goodness, God is sovereign still.