“You know my pace
Yet you never grow tired of walking beside me

No matter how long
No matter how far
Even when I doubt
Even when it looks like I won’t make it

You take my hand and remind me
I will live and not die”

I recently wrote these lyrics on my way to work. I had just had an anxiety attack and knew it was going to make me late for work. (Which obviously didn’t lessen the anxiety.) It probably still needs loads of work, but the Holy Spirit met with me there and gave me words to remind myself that He walks with me still. Even as I find my melody.

So I reached out and asked for prayer. I thought I was in a tough spot then, but I was not prepared for it to get any worse. Thankfully, I was put in touch with my phenomenal therapist. And I’ve been seeing her consistently every week since.

Even with the many little victories, the past two months would probably go down as one of the most difficult two months in this season. Because over and above everything happening with my thoughts and emotions, the psychosomatic symptoms have been so difficult to deal with. Barely kept food down. Had stress headaches that would wake me from my sleep. Everything made me nauseas. The worst stomach cramps. And to put the cherry on top, I started struggling with vertigo. My body has weakened so much that daily activites are physically exhausting. Even taking a shower.

“…For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” – Deuteronomy 20:4

Firstly, it’s important to note that the word “is” was used. It could have been “will”, or “shall” or any other word really. But the word “is” alludes to something happening in the present. Whether you look at it in this present moment or the next; He is. And we can always assume that He will continue to be.

This past week, my therapist booked me off and the words used were “unfit for work”. Goodness, I felt like I had taken 100 steps back. From being so full of life, laughter and joy, to being declared unfit for work. What a vunerable moment it was to have to show the medical certificate to everyone involved in making my leave happen. I had tried so hard to hide that I wasn’t in pain, both mentally and physically. I had tried so hard to still go above and beyond for clients. To smile, to be kind and engaging. It was very exhausting and I’d often put the phone down and say “that took a lot from me.” But I’d show up everyday and work so hard, and even harder when half our office contracted covid. And then I’d get home and weep because my thoughts were waging war and my physical body was aching.

The first day of my sick leave, I felt like I had to justify myself as fit. I felt like I had to keep going to prove myself to both my therapist and the company. And as I waited for my sleeping pills to kick in the one night, I was reminded of the words from the scripture again.

“The Lord your God is the one who goes with you.”

He knows I’m human. He knows I’ll get tired. He knows I’ll need to rest. He knows some days I’ll move towards the victory with more zeal, and other days He’ll need to carry me. But He promises me a victory and still takes the time to go towards it with me. Since being booked off, I’ve been imagining this time as me and Jesus sitting under a tree. Chatting. Laughing. Eating. And I’ve had to put boundaries in place to make sure that I’m not getting distracted by the pilling medical bills, or clients or work, while I rest and take a breathe with Jesus.

I’m unable to keep going right now, but He’s okay with the pace I can manage. Even if that means resting by still waters for a moment or two or even 10.

Mandy, my creative pastor, and unofficial big sister, has said something to me, more times than I can count, that has been something I’ve hung onto.

“We’re never going to get tired of believing for full healing for you. Even if it takes years. Even when you feel like people are getting over you battling with the same thing over and over again. –  There is no timeline.”

And I think that’s the beauty of God walking with you. The victory is promised. He promises to get you there AND still fight for you. But there’s still a journey ahead.

And Who better to walk with than Jehovah Jireh.