“I’m pulling on joy from Heaven’s reserve
He’s stored up enough for every winter I’m served
I’m seeing beyond my circumstance
This joy that I have is my inheritance
Joy, this is the joy of the Lord”

At the end of 2021 I began conversations with the pastoral team at Hillsong College for my return in January of 2022. I was so excited that the wait was finally over and that my ‘bounce back’ was here. During the emailing back and forth, however, my world did begin to come undone a little and I had to admit that I really wasn’t okay enough to return. I was gutted. But I knew I had to stop the reapplication process.

When I had finally let them know that I’d rather keep my suspension until further notice, I was immediately filled with fear of the future. Things were uncertain again. I had to face the reality of the death of my aunt. I had to deal with the trauma of my body being violated again. And I now had time. Part of me was incredibly afraid that it would cause me to spiral again. That I’d have to be back in a program, whether willingly or unwillingly.

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7 (NLT)

As the days, weeks and months unfolded, my constant prayer was for me to really know joy again. The joy of this dance with Jesus. Because I wasn’t sure if I could tell the difference between a ‘happy’ me and ‘joyful’ me anymore. So, I set out to ‘keep on’. Keep on asking. Keep on reading my Bible. Keep on being faithful with what was in front of me. To keep on growing teams. To keep on worshipping. To keep on doing community. To keep on listening to the Holy Spirit.

To just keep on seeking the Kingdom first.

This season has looked incredibly different because I really haven’t been trusting God for much. Not because I don’t believe He can do the much, but because I often feel too embarrassed to ask Him for the little. People often say that they struggle to go to God for the big things, but I’m not sure I’ve had a problem with that. I struggle to go to Him for the things that no one may ever see. The healing of my heart. The joy. The strength to make my bed in the morning and make it to a shower. Those are some of the hardest things. But I’m glad I went to Him anyway.

I recently heard the song that gave words to the things I sensed God was doing when He first told me about Hillsong College. And I let out a little giggle because He had been faithful to do it. But then I was filled with a gratitude for this God that I’ve gotten to know this year. The One who said “It’s okay if you don’t know how to, get on My feet until you do”

“When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round
And remind me of that song
The one You wrote for me
And we dance”

While introducing myself to someone a few weeks ago, she responded with a “Oh, you’re that worship leader. The one who leads with joy” – I cried like a baby that night. It not only was the first time someone didn’t identify me by my vocal abilities. But it was also the first time someone described me with the word ‘joy’ instead of a ‘smile’ or ‘looks happy’. The day before this, I had told someone that I have never known joy like this. That despite things not going the way I want them to go, I not only have a peace; I have a joy. And how encouraging it was, to not only experience it for myself, but to also know that that is the story I’m telling when other people see me. Not just an untruthful “I’m fine” wrapped in a smile. But a joy.

An inherent joy.