Leading up to my church’s Christmas production, there was a part, in the song that I was leading, that I completely ignored at every rehearsal. It was already a challenging song to begin with so I didn’t want to add more fuel to the fire I was already walking into. And I just couldn’t reason the relevance of whether I do it or not. So, I used every excuse in the book not to do it. But every time we rehearsed the song, I felt a little sad that I hadn’t tried it. Probably because I sensed the Holy Spirit rebuking me.

During our final day of rehearsals, I was wrestling quite greatly with feelings of inadequacy. You could hear it in my voice. You could hear it in my breathing. You could see it on my face. I was holding back tears the entire day because I could sense there was something on the other side of it. I just had to forget that there are ‘so many better vocalists’ and focus on the fact that He wanted to use me. Right here. Right now. So, I decided I would try and said a little “God, if I do this thing, you’re going to have to sustain me.”

A few months into the year, I wrote a song that at the time was just a prayer to God; Asking Him to fill me with the courage to exchange the new for the old. I knew that God was calling me to something new, but I was struggling to let go of the comfort that came with the old. I also knew that I couldn’t receive this new wine if I wasn’t willing to let go of the old wineskins. You know the whole thing of not being able to fully receive something when your hands are full. But it’s one thing to know something and it’s another to live it out.  

“Therefore I tell you, stop being worried or anxious (perpetually uneasy, distracted) about your life… But first and most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right—the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be given to you also. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” – Matthew 6:25,33-34 (AMP)

I have always – as many of us – read this scripture to encourage my heart in seasons of needing provision and breakthrough. But I was recently challenged by this scripture in a different way; I have no idea what I’ll need tomorrow because I know nothing about what tomorrow holds. A silly example: I could be so worried about the fact that I need sandals given the hot weather forecasted for the week, but who’s to say that it won’t be cold and rainy and therefore the only pair of rainboots I have in my cupboard is exactly what I need to make it through the week.

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the medical definition of anxiety is “an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it.” I believe the reason I struggled with exchanging the old for the new was that I was fully convinced it would just completely go wrong because I wasn’t prepared for the new. I wasn’t sure if I had the wisdom to steward it properly. I wasn’t sure that I even knew what to do with it. And I was afraid that it would end in disappointment or heartache. And every time I had an episode or anxiety attack, it seemed like evidence of things not going according to plan.

I think, as someone who struggles with an anxiety disorder, it can be especially hard to try new things. And I never want to make small of that. But I think that’s why it’s essential to seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness because in the mental battle of “what ifs” and many unknowns, there will at least be one sure thing; God. And as I lean into the God I’m sure about, suddenly what seemed like a new that I wasn’t sure I could handle, becomes easier to walk in. The seemingly mundane and insignificant seasons begin to make sense. And the anxiety attacks and depressive episodes no longer mean the absence of God and a pending failure, but rather just the evidence of the enemy flailing to keep me where I was.

As I stepped up, during the final dress rehearsal for the Christmas show, my in-ear monitor began cutting. This meant that at any given time I couldn’t hear any of the things that guided me through the song. Which was my worst nightmare because the song didn’t have a long intro that I could count myself in with. Neither was there an instrument that could help me keep time. At least until much later in the song, which at that point, it would be too late to correct. So, we rehearsed a ‘backup plan’ to help cue the beginning of the song if it happened on the night. And then I’d have to do the remainder of the song relying on what I had learned and rehearsed.

On show day, my in-ear monitor was swapped, and the information didn’t make it to the person who was mixing our ears. So, for both shows, I sang with my first and final cue being the one we had rehearsed the day before. – I sang through the entire song using muscle memory and a few indicators along the way letting me know I was on the right track.

I’m not sure we’ll ever know what we’re being prepared for. Whether we are ready for what comes next. Or know the impact the new will have on the lives of those on the other side of it all. And I can’t say that we’re meant to because we only see in part. But if you had told me that I could do this song without the help of a click and cue, I would have told you you’re out of your mind. Or if you had told me that I’d be able to reach that note, let alone without the help of a click and cue, I probably would have said the same. Because in my head, nothing could have adequately prepared me to go into both shows as ‘blindly’ as I did and still make it out the other side having made His name known. But God knew. And boy am I glad that my eyes were fixed on Him! Because every rehearsal. Every bit of feedback. Every bit of prompting from the Holy Spirit. And even the rehearsing of a back-up cue. It was all preparation.

And I didn’t know I was ready until I walked up onto that platform and the song began.