“’Come,’ He said” – Matthew 14:29 (NIV)
I wrote a blog on the 9th of August 2019, about this scripture and how the word ‘come’ here in Greek also means ‘grow.’ And that’s what I kept doing. Getting out of the boat and trusting God that as I walked on the water towards Him, I would not fall.
Closer to the end of 2021, I had a breakdown that ended up in me being booked off of work for almost a month. It was filled with liquid diets and several visits to my doctor’s room for a drip. One of the nights I became so sick I could barely get off of the bathroom floor. I had had many anxiety attacks before, but nothing like that. I was in excruciating pain. After getting off the phone with my counsellor, we waited for an ambulance to arrive and I was admitted overnight for observation and some more drip.
After much counsel and prayer, I decided to resign from my job because other than it playing a major role in what led to the breakdown, I also knew that what was expected of me was something I couldn’t and didn’t want to do given the reality and gravity of what I was going through at the time. My health had to be a priority. So after being asked to serve my notice as garden leave, I admitted myself into the psychiatric hospital I was referred to.
After this, I lost the only aunt who has loved and championed me all my life. Just like the loss of my dad, this one hurt. A lot. She had survived cancer, for me to get a call one morning, letting me know that she had just stopped breathing.
Despite how 2021 ended, the beginning of 2022, definitely came with much excitement and expectation because the business I had started, had already closed its first deal. I was able to live quite comfortably for the first time in a long time. And around my birthday, God reminded me of this story of Peter again and the blog post I had ended up writing in that season. But He furthered the thought when I read the verse again;
Come. Here.
In Old English the word cuman (come) means to move with the purpose of reaching. To arrive by movement or progression. And after a while of just sitting with this, it finally dawned on me that the word ‘come’ alludes to an endpoint; A ‘here,’ if you will. But it also suggests that I will be met where I’m being called to. You wouldn’t say ‘come’ unless you are already there or have the intention of meeting someone there. And so those words ‘Come here’ said by an almighty I AM meant that I would be met by joy, restoration, healing, provision, hope, love, and life, among many other things. I would be met by Him. But I don’t think I had fully understood the weight of what was being said because, well, I was on a bit of a mountain top.
The business has still been doing well, but I had another depressive episode that made it very difficult to keep working. Thankfully the deal from December was able to stretch over the months and there was just always provision. Once I was somewhat coming back for air, another unexpected deal came along. It had the capacity to generate a fantastic profit. However, because of the magnitude of the deal, the client opted for bank financing. Now in this industry, financing can take months. Which, quite honestly, at this point I didn’t have. We are currently in month three of waiting for the bank’s approval and subsequent payment. During this time I was very transparent with my rental agent about waiting on this payment but also trying to secure a deal that a client could pay for immediately. After a few emails of just keeping them updated, I received notice to move out by the end of April.
I was surprised at the overwhelming peace I had when I received it. But I will admit that I do get overwhelmed about what it means for the next. My credit score had since been affected. The money had been stretched far enough and there didn’t seem to be any more in sight, so I couldn’t exactly move into another place. I definitely have a lovely community that has been kind enough to open their homes to me. However, I do know that it may not be sustainable. So the only other option is to move in with my mom, who I already do not have the best relationship with. Goodness me, it has really been and still is a lot for my heart to grapple with this reality. Going through something so unsettling and difficult and then having to deal with the sore spot that is the relationship with my mother. And even just losing the freedom of my own space. It feels a lot like I’ve taken more steps back than I did forward.
“’Come and join me,’ He said”- Matthew 14:29 (TPT)
So on Saturday the 30th of April 2022, I packed my house and moved out. I have been feeling incredibly displaced and afraid. Even amid the community that has rallied around me. I feel like I’m always at the edge of a panic attack. I feel incredibly ungrounded and unsettled. But I have made it a point to find myself in the presence of the Lord where I can come and join Him. To really worship. To really meet with Him and have Him meet with me. To abide.
“One thing I have asked of the LORD, and that I will seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD [in His presence] all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty [the delightful loveliness and majestic grandeur] of the LORD. And to meditate in His temple.” – Psalm 27:4 (AMP)
I’ll tell you what, I’m still scared. I still feel vulnerable. I still feel exposed. I still feel overwhelmed by the winds and waves. And I still feel so unsafe. But what I didn’t realise then, is that God was preparing me for this season. In the middle of weeping at the realisation that I couldn’t run to my dad or even hideout at my aunt for a while, He reminded me of these words again. Because, He knew, that at some point, there would be no physical ‘here.’ – When He said ‘Come here’ he meant to the one place that is always constant; Him.
So despite how I feel, here, with Him and His wrap-around presence, is where I will be.
Because even, here, “the waves and winds, still know His name.“
The Dance 